Day 21: some sort of disease

has some sort of disease where you hallucinate & start to not believe in love, but after a year or two, or even sometimes ten or twenty, it cures itself & all that's left are a few little red spots that twinge & ache whenever you get too near someone else that has the disease & it's all you can do to stop from reaching out & holding them close. -story people


this week i've been dealing with waiting on God and His perfect timing in different areas and situations in my life. it's so easy to say you believe that God has everything under control, but to live out that faith can be hard. but that's why His grace is so beautiful and gentle. the other night when i was being impatient with God i sat down and opened up my Bible to just sit and talk with Him and see what He had to say back. i vented and He listened like always, but then i realized i had been doing all the talking and i decided to listen. when i was done there were about seven passages that i had read that dealt exactly with my situation. here's three of those passages: "guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." -proverbs 4:23. "yet i am confident i will see the Lord’s goodness while i am here in the land of the living. wait patiently for the Lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -psalm 27:13-14. and the last is a description of ultimate love, God's love: "place me like a seal over Your heart, like a seal on Your arm. for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. if a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned." -song of solomon 8:6-7

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Day 1 of 21: "Draw near to Me"

Within the last few years, every time New Years’ Eve came along, I just got tired of making “News Years’ Resolutions” and not having them actually be brought through. This year, I completely forgot about them until the day of New Years’ Eve! Resolutions? Hmm.. I don’t know... I don’t like to conform to fads  and commit to something if I don’t think it’ll come about. But, I gained some perspective by seeking God. These resolutions should be a day-by-day renewing of the heart and mind. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” –Psalm 51:10-12. “Draw near to Me, and I will draw NEARER to you.” –James 4:8.

So my resolutions are as follows: Draw nearer to God each day, continually ask for more of God. Expect the unexpected from my Love. Walk in His presence at all times, no matter the circumstances. Love others like He truly loved and loves us. “Greater love has no man than this, than to lay down his life for a friend.” –John 15:13. I want to live, not just this year but my entire life, for His glory.
Jesus asks me, “Do you love Me more than anything?”
“Well, yeah, of course!” I say.
“Okay, do you love Me more than everything??”
“Everything? Sure!”
“Are you sure? Would you be willing to GIVE UP anything for Me?”
“Uhhh... Yes?”
So, that’s where I realized what it was that really controls me. Last Sunday my pastor asked the church if we were willing to fast for 21 days starting January 1^st. It is up to each of us, but the purpose in doing it as a church is to grow closer in fellowship with each other as we all grow closer to Christ. We are to choose something that we think is taking up too much of our time, attention, or exaltation instead of God.

“Fasting” is probably number one on the list of words that you cringe at in church, with “tithe” being the second probably. Sadly, it’s also probably the number one thing that has been looked over and disregarded as “extreme.” God DID call us to a life of extremes, just in case you, and I, forgot. I have only ever fasted once in my entire lifetime and it was one meal. So when asked to fast along with other brothers and sister in Christ in order to see God more clearly, I was a bit unsure as to what to fast from. Nothing really stuck out to me at first. But then I thought about my life.. and God started to reveal in me what has been hard for me to let go of and that I no longer have control over. Ouch. Yeah, can I say that again? OUCH… God has such a gentle way of humbling me though. And I knew what it was. It’s food.

My entire life I have had trouble maintaining my weight. I don’t know why I seem to be the only one among my siblings who ever has. Everyone has always had super high metabolisms and mine have been as slow as a turtle. Don’t know why, but I’ve always hated it. So for a several years, starting in 6^th or 7^th grade, I dieted. Lost weight and looked good for a bit, but once I was done it spiraled back up. Maybe my transitions were not smooth? It seemed that if they were smooth it didn’t matter. It frustrated me for years going up and down and up and down. So at the end of 10^th grade I decided I would stop trying for a while. I didn’t have a set time of when I would start trying to maintain my weight again, I just wouldn’t stress myself out anymore with this hard lifestyle.

For four years I allowed this issue to take control of me and I didn’t intervene. I. Was. Tired. “No one’s ever found me attractive in the past anyway, so why even try to be ‘pretty’ now?” I said to myself over and over. “If someone really loves me, they’ll love me for who I am.” True, I wanted someone to love me as I was, and I still do desire that, but I was using my laziness as an excuse to live a lifestyle of rebellion and gluttony. But within this last week God has really, really been speaking to me on this issue. And actually He’s been revealing a lot of things to me within the last few hours! When God first mentioned this to me last Sunday, I kind of set it aside as a possible option but God kept putting it in my mind and I knew that I needed to approach it. Honestly I was a little scared. And it’s not often that I’m scared. I thought about the possibility of fasting food, whether completely for the full 21 days, or a little bread at meals…? I didn’t have a set plan because I had never done this before and didn’t really know what to run off of. "What if my body starts to shut down? What if I have to start going to work again and I become too weak?" Ya know. The fear questions. But God reassured me that no matter what I did, I would be okay because He is with me the entire time and has my back! He is my sustenance. “Man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the LORD your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills… a land in which you will lack nothing… When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.” (Deuteronomy 8:3-10)

So, I’m not fasting from food for 21 days for the purpose of losing weight. I’m doing this because I want God to have complete control of me and I no longer want to allow anything else to take so much priority or distraction that every area of my life is not fully controlled and ordered by God.  

“Come near to God and he will come even nearer to you.” (James 4:8). “Come, let us walk in the light of the LORD.” (Isaiah 2:5)

“Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for Me?” He asked me.
And I’m saying yes.