Day 359: Merry birthday, Jesus. I need a better heart!

It’s nice to say that things are finally calming down here. And my holiday spirits are a little up! I guess my cynicism for American holiday crap hasn’t totally overrun my childish excitement for presents and delicious food and seeing family. It’s definitely different than I ever thought it’d be- life. But, life just IS sometimes, and you’ve gotta just take a deep breath and continue on the best you can.

It was good to hang out with my dad tonight again. Things are just awkward with both parents when there’s a divorce. Well, with me anyway. I realize some people have had it WAY harder and I feel like I shouldn’t complain. [But then again, I do have a right to. I’m realizing I do have a right to voice my opinion. Not like an ignorant, prideful person, but expressing my feelings in a truthful, clear, gentle-as-possible way, and that I DO have a say in things.] So I feel like things are going back to normal, in the most normal way they could. I do feel that ache in the bottom of my heart still, when things happen such as:

Leaving dad tonight to himself all alone in his house while we go home to open presents with my mom’s side of the family.

Hearing my sister play two worship songs in a row on Christmas morning at midnight, when she’s not been to church in months!

Seeing my thirteen y/o twin sisters battle with not fitting in and for some reason not moving past their young mindsets.

Hearing my ten y/o brother say, ”Sometimes life is hard but you just have to work with what is dealt to you.”

Seeing my younger sister dating a guy and being happy, when I’ve never dated a guy in my life. And then 

seeing my other sister jump from guy to guy because she’s drawn to the bad ones.

But like I’ve realized, you can only do so much in life. Not that we have no power whatsoever and “Such is life,” but at the same time I can’t save everyone. Oucchh, yep.  

So, for Christmas I want a bigger heart! For Jesus, for people, for myself. So..

Merry birthday, Jesus! I love You! Let’s do a gift exchange. I give you my heart and you give me a BETTER one! :)

Day 352: This thing called life..

(Disclaimer: Life is hard right now, so hopefully it doesn’t sound like I’m coming across as having no hope or optimism. This is just my view of things right now.)

This thing called life… I’ve never understood it. Never before, definitely not presently, and not in the future I don’t believe. I’ve walked around an emotional mess before, followed by periods where I felt guilt or condemnation in expressing such emotions and I acted the opposite- internalizing everything that went on and putting a smile on my face so I can be the stronger one. But it always came out, and it always will. I refuse to be a basket case but I become so anyway eventually by not expressing my thoughts or feelings at the moment and waiting to later sob in bed in the middle of the night or maybe go as far as to talk to someone about it.

And that’s what I did tonight. I called up a dear, close friend of mine who has always understood me. He’s brought out the very best in me, which no one has ever done before and it was stuff that I had grown up thinking was not acceptable. He’s the most real person I’ve ever met. When he’s going through a hard time he doesn’t internalize. He doesn’t go telling everyone about it, but he’ll open up to you if you just ask. What puzzles me is how his countenance and face are so readable when he is upset, and yet a handful, if that much, will go to him offering help. Everyone should be coming to him hand and foot asking if they can do anything for him, pray for him, be a listening ear for him. I think people need to get out of their stupid mindset of “Ohh, they don’t want to talk about it, he’ll be okay.” WHAT!? How do you know? Get out of your freakin bubble and open your eyes! Now, I do realize there are times that someone just needs to be alone and think on things, but if that the case the person should do one of two things: 1) Don’t be around a million people. If they are some of the few kind and tenderhearted people out there who will ask you what’s wrong, you don’t want to be a sour puss and get sick of them. Or, 2) Learn how to tell people, “I’d rather not talk about it right now, we’ll talk another time.” That way it leaves room for flexibility and the truth is being spoken. So, although this post wasn’t intended to be about this, it needed to be let out.

Tonight was a good time of venting to my dear friend, like I said, and WOW. After hanging up the phone I felt the weight of one hundred million pounds lift off my entire body. I cried almost the whole time, told him what frustrated me, what confused me, and how I didn’t want to be home.

I feel like I’ve been drowning. It’s like slowly walking into a river, knowing that it will most likely get deeper and deeper. I feel the cold go up my body causing my breathing to sharpen and quicken. Yet I keep going because I feel like that it’s my duty, that I have to be brave and strong, and be an example, and not make a mistake because it may cause a huge life turn or I may let someone down. When all along I can turn around and go back to the shore and find a better, more peaceful way to get across. What IS this thing called life? Why does it hurt so much when I think it’s supposed to be full of joy and love, and all I see is pain? Throughout these past few years as my eyes have seen life as the ugly it can be, the words of “The Scientist” by Coldplay have run through my mind. I view the first half of the song as an analogy of a conversation I’d have with God. He’d have the first paragraph and I’d reply with the second:

God:
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Me:
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I want to go back to what I said a second ago. That my eyes have seen the ugly that life can dish out. I grew up around a bunch of revolutionary guys who saw life as it was and yet created beauty within it. Everyone around them scoffed and laughed at them. Adults called them rebels and peers called them hippies. But I loved them. My heart connected with theirs and I’ve grown up seeing the world as it truly is because it started early. I thought that there would be no way for me to bring justice and change to the world if I didn’t see it as it was! But now I’ve seen it and it makes me sick. Hate is ugly, bitterness is a chill that goes to the bone. Divorce sucks. Betrayal is back-breaking. Sadness wrecks a body. And what can you do about it?

You can give up. Just throw your hands in the air and call it quits. Sulk in misery, bathe in bitterness, never get passed the hurt. Or you can push on through. Instead of sitting on the bank of complacency, you can jump on the boat of a journey to get across to the other side. You may hit some waves, there may be attacks, and there may be close calls, but you can sit behind and not move forward. There’s no point to life if you’re not moving forward. So we do the best we can to put trust in our Captain and say, “Alright, it’s your turn from here! I don’t know how to navigate across these waters, but I know you can and will do it safely.” Sad thing is, I think we try to yank the wheel out of His hands and navigate ourselves and all the while He’s saying, “Dude, you don’t know what you’re doing. Just trust Me.”

So I’ll end with that. We all have to figure out how the hand the wheel back over to God before we crash the boat haha. “Oh take me back to the start…”

Day 21: some sort of disease

has some sort of disease where you hallucinate & start to not believe in love, but after a year or two, or even sometimes ten or twenty, it cures itself & all that's left are a few little red spots that twinge & ache whenever you get too near someone else that has the disease & it's all you can do to stop from reaching out & holding them close. -story people


this week i've been dealing with waiting on God and His perfect timing in different areas and situations in my life. it's so easy to say you believe that God has everything under control, but to live out that faith can be hard. but that's why His grace is so beautiful and gentle. the other night when i was being impatient with God i sat down and opened up my Bible to just sit and talk with Him and see what He had to say back. i vented and He listened like always, but then i realized i had been doing all the talking and i decided to listen. when i was done there were about seven passages that i had read that dealt exactly with my situation. here's three of those passages: "guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." -proverbs 4:23. "yet i am confident i will see the Lord’s goodness while i am here in the land of the living. wait patiently for the Lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -psalm 27:13-14. and the last is a description of ultimate love, God's love: "place me like a seal over Your heart, like a seal on Your arm. for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. if a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned." -song of solomon 8:6-7

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannahpippen/5376939937/

Day 1 of 21: "Draw near to Me"

Within the last few years, every time New Years’ Eve came along, I just got tired of making “News Years’ Resolutions” and not having them actually be brought through. This year, I completely forgot about them until the day of New Years’ Eve! Resolutions? Hmm.. I don’t know... I don’t like to conform to fads  and commit to something if I don’t think it’ll come about. But, I gained some perspective by seeking God. These resolutions should be a day-by-day renewing of the heart and mind. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” –Psalm 51:10-12. “Draw near to Me, and I will draw NEARER to you.” –James 4:8.

So my resolutions are as follows: Draw nearer to God each day, continually ask for more of God. Expect the unexpected from my Love. Walk in His presence at all times, no matter the circumstances. Love others like He truly loved and loves us. “Greater love has no man than this, than to lay down his life for a friend.” –John 15:13. I want to live, not just this year but my entire life, for His glory.
Jesus asks me, “Do you love Me more than anything?”
“Well, yeah, of course!” I say.
“Okay, do you love Me more than everything??”
“Everything? Sure!”
“Are you sure? Would you be willing to GIVE UP anything for Me?”
“Uhhh... Yes?”
So, that’s where I realized what it was that really controls me. Last Sunday my pastor asked the church if we were willing to fast for 21 days starting January 1^st. It is up to each of us, but the purpose in doing it as a church is to grow closer in fellowship with each other as we all grow closer to Christ. We are to choose something that we think is taking up too much of our time, attention, or exaltation instead of God.

“Fasting” is probably number one on the list of words that you cringe at in church, with “tithe” being the second probably. Sadly, it’s also probably the number one thing that has been looked over and disregarded as “extreme.” God DID call us to a life of extremes, just in case you, and I, forgot. I have only ever fasted once in my entire lifetime and it was one meal. So when asked to fast along with other brothers and sister in Christ in order to see God more clearly, I was a bit unsure as to what to fast from. Nothing really stuck out to me at first. But then I thought about my life.. and God started to reveal in me what has been hard for me to let go of and that I no longer have control over. Ouch. Yeah, can I say that again? OUCH… God has such a gentle way of humbling me though. And I knew what it was. It’s food.

My entire life I have had trouble maintaining my weight. I don’t know why I seem to be the only one among my siblings who ever has. Everyone has always had super high metabolisms and mine have been as slow as a turtle. Don’t know why, but I’ve always hated it. So for a several years, starting in 6^th or 7^th grade, I dieted. Lost weight and looked good for a bit, but once I was done it spiraled back up. Maybe my transitions were not smooth? It seemed that if they were smooth it didn’t matter. It frustrated me for years going up and down and up and down. So at the end of 10^th grade I decided I would stop trying for a while. I didn’t have a set time of when I would start trying to maintain my weight again, I just wouldn’t stress myself out anymore with this hard lifestyle.

For four years I allowed this issue to take control of me and I didn’t intervene. I. Was. Tired. “No one’s ever found me attractive in the past anyway, so why even try to be ‘pretty’ now?” I said to myself over and over. “If someone really loves me, they’ll love me for who I am.” True, I wanted someone to love me as I was, and I still do desire that, but I was using my laziness as an excuse to live a lifestyle of rebellion and gluttony. But within this last week God has really, really been speaking to me on this issue. And actually He’s been revealing a lot of things to me within the last few hours! When God first mentioned this to me last Sunday, I kind of set it aside as a possible option but God kept putting it in my mind and I knew that I needed to approach it. Honestly I was a little scared. And it’s not often that I’m scared. I thought about the possibility of fasting food, whether completely for the full 21 days, or a little bread at meals…? I didn’t have a set plan because I had never done this before and didn’t really know what to run off of. "What if my body starts to shut down? What if I have to start going to work again and I become too weak?" Ya know. The fear questions. But God reassured me that no matter what I did, I would be okay because He is with me the entire time and has my back! He is my sustenance. “Man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the LORD your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills… a land in which you will lack nothing… When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.” (Deuteronomy 8:3-10)

So, I’m not fasting from food for 21 days for the purpose of losing weight. I’m doing this because I want God to have complete control of me and I no longer want to allow anything else to take so much priority or distraction that every area of my life is not fully controlled and ordered by God.  

“Come near to God and he will come even nearer to you.” (James 4:8). “Come, let us walk in the light of the LORD.” (Isaiah 2:5)

“Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for Me?” He asked me.
And I’m saying yes.