Day 21: some sort of disease

has some sort of disease where you hallucinate & start to not believe in love, but after a year or two, or even sometimes ten or twenty, it cures itself & all that's left are a few little red spots that twinge & ache whenever you get too near someone else that has the disease & it's all you can do to stop from reaching out & holding them close. -story people


this week i've been dealing with waiting on God and His perfect timing in different areas and situations in my life. it's so easy to say you believe that God has everything under control, but to live out that faith can be hard. but that's why His grace is so beautiful and gentle. the other night when i was being impatient with God i sat down and opened up my Bible to just sit and talk with Him and see what He had to say back. i vented and He listened like always, but then i realized i had been doing all the talking and i decided to listen. when i was done there were about seven passages that i had read that dealt exactly with my situation. here's three of those passages: "guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." -proverbs 4:23. "yet i am confident i will see the Lord’s goodness while i am here in the land of the living. wait patiently for the Lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -psalm 27:13-14. and the last is a description of ultimate love, God's love: "place me like a seal over Your heart, like a seal on Your arm. for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. if a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned." -song of solomon 8:6-7

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannahpippen/5376939937/

Day 1 of 21: "Draw near to Me"

Within the last few years, every time New Years’ Eve came along, I just got tired of making “News Years’ Resolutions” and not having them actually be brought through. This year, I completely forgot about them until the day of New Years’ Eve! Resolutions? Hmm.. I don’t know... I don’t like to conform to fads  and commit to something if I don’t think it’ll come about. But, I gained some perspective by seeking God. These resolutions should be a day-by-day renewing of the heart and mind. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” –Psalm 51:10-12. “Draw near to Me, and I will draw NEARER to you.” –James 4:8.

So my resolutions are as follows: Draw nearer to God each day, continually ask for more of God. Expect the unexpected from my Love. Walk in His presence at all times, no matter the circumstances. Love others like He truly loved and loves us. “Greater love has no man than this, than to lay down his life for a friend.” –John 15:13. I want to live, not just this year but my entire life, for His glory.
Jesus asks me, “Do you love Me more than anything?”
“Well, yeah, of course!” I say.
“Okay, do you love Me more than everything??”
“Everything? Sure!”
“Are you sure? Would you be willing to GIVE UP anything for Me?”
“Uhhh... Yes?”
So, that’s where I realized what it was that really controls me. Last Sunday my pastor asked the church if we were willing to fast for 21 days starting January 1^st. It is up to each of us, but the purpose in doing it as a church is to grow closer in fellowship with each other as we all grow closer to Christ. We are to choose something that we think is taking up too much of our time, attention, or exaltation instead of God.

“Fasting” is probably number one on the list of words that you cringe at in church, with “tithe” being the second probably. Sadly, it’s also probably the number one thing that has been looked over and disregarded as “extreme.” God DID call us to a life of extremes, just in case you, and I, forgot. I have only ever fasted once in my entire lifetime and it was one meal. So when asked to fast along with other brothers and sister in Christ in order to see God more clearly, I was a bit unsure as to what to fast from. Nothing really stuck out to me at first. But then I thought about my life.. and God started to reveal in me what has been hard for me to let go of and that I no longer have control over. Ouch. Yeah, can I say that again? OUCH… God has such a gentle way of humbling me though. And I knew what it was. It’s food.

My entire life I have had trouble maintaining my weight. I don’t know why I seem to be the only one among my siblings who ever has. Everyone has always had super high metabolisms and mine have been as slow as a turtle. Don’t know why, but I’ve always hated it. So for a several years, starting in 6^th or 7^th grade, I dieted. Lost weight and looked good for a bit, but once I was done it spiraled back up. Maybe my transitions were not smooth? It seemed that if they were smooth it didn’t matter. It frustrated me for years going up and down and up and down. So at the end of 10^th grade I decided I would stop trying for a while. I didn’t have a set time of when I would start trying to maintain my weight again, I just wouldn’t stress myself out anymore with this hard lifestyle.

For four years I allowed this issue to take control of me and I didn’t intervene. I. Was. Tired. “No one’s ever found me attractive in the past anyway, so why even try to be ‘pretty’ now?” I said to myself over and over. “If someone really loves me, they’ll love me for who I am.” True, I wanted someone to love me as I was, and I still do desire that, but I was using my laziness as an excuse to live a lifestyle of rebellion and gluttony. But within this last week God has really, really been speaking to me on this issue. And actually He’s been revealing a lot of things to me within the last few hours! When God first mentioned this to me last Sunday, I kind of set it aside as a possible option but God kept putting it in my mind and I knew that I needed to approach it. Honestly I was a little scared. And it’s not often that I’m scared. I thought about the possibility of fasting food, whether completely for the full 21 days, or a little bread at meals…? I didn’t have a set plan because I had never done this before and didn’t really know what to run off of. "What if my body starts to shut down? What if I have to start going to work again and I become too weak?" Ya know. The fear questions. But God reassured me that no matter what I did, I would be okay because He is with me the entire time and has my back! He is my sustenance. “Man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the LORD your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills… a land in which you will lack nothing… When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.” (Deuteronomy 8:3-10)

So, I’m not fasting from food for 21 days for the purpose of losing weight. I’m doing this because I want God to have complete control of me and I no longer want to allow anything else to take so much priority or distraction that every area of my life is not fully controlled and ordered by God.  

“Come near to God and he will come even nearer to you.” (James 4:8). “Come, let us walk in the light of the LORD.” (Isaiah 2:5)

“Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for Me?” He asked me.
And I’m saying yes.

No Matter the Circumstance

Saturday, December 11, 2010: As finals were completed, registering for classes came underway, and I said goodbye to my college friends for an almost-six-weeks Christmas break, ideas began to pop into my head of what exciting things I could do with this extensive amount of time that lay ahead for me. Sure, I’d have to work and get some important things done, but I was about to have FREE TIME for once!  I could make cards and collages, take pictures, catch up on sleep, read books I’m actually interested in. I knew that over the holidays it can get pretty stressful being around family and all its drama, so I was preparing for a lot of alone time to get away from it all. Coming home after living on my own for three semesters at college can be a difficult transition sometimes. Family changes, I change, circumstances change. So it can definitely be uncomfortable. In my curiosity of how this break was going to turn out, God opened up my eyes tonight to what I am supposed to be doing specifically while I am at home.

Tonight my sister Abigail and I picked up three of our siblings (Naomi, Mary, and Sam) from a birthday party at 8 and we had to go by Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. I think everyone and their cousin was there, it was SO crowded. We goofed around and were silly like we always are, and it took us about 30 minutes to be in and out of there. As I started to pull out of the parking lot Naomi and Mary noticed that Sam had his head in his hand and he was rubbing his eyes. They asked if he was okay, if his head just hurt, or if he was tired. But, none of those was the case and a few tears started to roll down his cheeks. And we knew something was wrong.
“What’s wrong? Does your knee still hurt from falling at the skating rink?”
“No.”
“Did someone say something mean again to you there?”
“No.”
“Are you having another panic attack?”
“No.”
“Well, Sam, you have to tell us what’s wrong or we can’t help you!”
And he tried to compose himself between small sobs and sniffles and he said, “I feel like I make everything wrong, I mess everything up. And I feel like everyone is upset with me.”
That was one of the most painful things I had ever heard anyone say. Much less a nine-year-old boy. Much less my little brother. Of course, you can imagine how quickly a car full of dramatic teenage girls reacted and we told him otherwise. How could this thought have even entered his head? It wasn’t from his Creator that’s for sure.

It made me think a lot harder about every action and word toward him the rest of the night. And to the rest of my family for the days following. I realized that although this place will never be perfect and there may be times when I don’t want to be here, I am called to such a time as this (Esther 4:14). I’m called to love my family and be there for them whenever they need it, no matter what my feelings or emotions are telling me at the time. We’re not called to live by our emotions, although of course we were created with them for very great reasons… We are called to live a lifestyle of unconditional love. No matter what the circumstances are.  

A Broken and Contrite Heart You will not Deny

I have a devotional that consists of several Bible passages organized for each day of the year and it is split into two sections that you read in the morning and at night. It’s by Anne Graham Lotz. I got it out of my brother’s room after he moved out because he never read it, so I’ve had it for about 3 years now. A friend on Facebook posted Psalm 119:34-40 today and I went and looked it up in different translations because that’s just something I love to do. I decided to look up Psalm 119 in the concordance of my devotional and go to those days that had that chapter. September 18th was the first one I was going to look at and as I was flipping toward it I noticed that September 17th had both of its pages folded in the corners, probably from it being stuffed in my purses and backpacks over the past few years. Whenever I am really meditating on God’s Word, I want it so much that I don’t want to miss anything God has for me specifically. I really believe that His Word is living and active and that He will use situations and people to speak for Him. So in other words when I saw these two corners of the pages folded, it stuck out to me for some reason. I looked at the title and it said, “A bruised reed He will not break.” I love this passage so I wanted to see what other verses Anne Graham Lotz chose to put together with this one. I read the section that was for the morning and then went on to read what the night time was because I knew it had to branch off of the previous one. And, wow… it did. Both sections spoke directly to my situation that I’m in right now!

I’ve been thinking about my major all this semester and how I’m just not really as passionate about it anymore. Maybe because I’ve been growing. Maybe because I’m not as good at this subject as I thought I would be. I don’t know. I’ve been struggling with this for a while, not really telling many people about it because I honestly feel like people are tired of me changing majors. I did twice (kind of three times) as a freshman, so this would be my third/fourth time to do so. I feel like many people doubt me with a lot of things I pursue, so I wanted to keep this to myself, especially if I decided not to change it. It’s difficult enough when you doubt yourself, but to have other people doubt you is even harder. Because I’ve had this uncertainty of changing majors in my head for a while I didn’t sign up for classes when advising was going on. I was so busy at that time and I didn’t want to make any big decisions under unnecessary pressure. One day over Thanksgiving break I was able to look at majors and I narrowed it down to five that stuck out to me. Today, the day after I finished finals and the day before I was supposed to go home for the break, was the day that I was finally able to set aside time to sit down and just think about majors and nothing else. God was really watching out for me on finals week by allowing me to get everything done by Tuesday. I decided on a major after many hours of research, praying, and talking with different people about it. I felt pretty confident in my choice, but offices on campus were closing soon and there were a few logistics that needed to be worked out still. I was beginning to panic/stress about it because I really felt like it needed to be done then and there, but after a friend of mine told me to relax she helped me realize that there was no hurry because I had until the next day and all the extra time would help in working out those other little problems! Tonight I shared with a bunch of people my decision and all but one where excited for me. They all said that it fit me really well and it was a great choice. But like I said, one was a bit hesitant in rejoicing so quickly. In fact they looked doubtful. That’s not a fun vibe to get from someone. I automatically could sense it and hours later they brought it up.
“How many times have you changed your major?” they said.
“Oh.. right.. I knew something was up earlier..” I replied. I went on to explain my decision a little bit, but we were both on our way to splitting ways for the night and not much discussion took place.
And then they said what I expected: “I’m just a little worried that you’re not exactly sure about this decision.”
Well, I had been sure until then. I hate how doubt is so sneaky! And ultimately if I feel something is right for me, I should stick with it. But I listened to my dear friend’s worry about me and let it fester into confusion, which I shouldn’t have allowed it to do.

But God is so faithful and He used what could have turned out to be a confusing, panic-oriented circumstance and He showed me that He has my back! Today I asked, no, pleaded with God to please show me if this is the right choice. To please make it undeniably clear whether I should or should not choose this specific major. And then that’s when I started meditating on the Bible, God’s actual words. This is what I read...

God, teach me lessons for living so I can stay the course. Give me insight so I can do what You tell me— my whole life one long, obedient response. Guide me down the road of Your commandments; I love traveling this freeway! Deflect the harsh words of my critics— but what You say is always so good. See how hungry I am for Your counsel; preserve my life through Your righteous ways! (Psalm 119:33, 39, 40). He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally he will cause justice to be victorious. (Matthew 12:20). Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice. (Psalm 51:16-17). He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. (Psalm 147:3). A Message from the high and towering God, who lives in Eternity, whose name is Holy: "I live in the high and holy places, but also with the low-spirited, the spirit-crushed, and what I do is put new spirit in them, get them up and on their feet again. For I'm not going to haul people into court endlessly, I'm not going to be angry forever. Otherwise, people would lose heart. These souls I created would tire out and give up. (Isaiah 57:15-16). I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick… (Ezekial 34:16). Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. (Hebrews 12:12-13). Behold, your God… will come save you. (Isaiah 35:4)

To end with I’d just like to share one last thing with whoever is actually reading this to the very end. (Hopefully you didn’t skip around because you’ll probably be confused still). Throughout my entire life I have never felt like I have been “called” to one thing in particular and then to do that for my whole life. That is why I have had such a hard time choosing majors. I know for sure that I can teach. I can do my own forms of art to the fullest capability. My heart goes out to hurting people. All of this I know for a fact. I think that there will be different times in my life that God may use specific gifts to a greater extent than others for a certain time period. The only thing that I feel like I will do for my entire lifetime is love God and others. Simply put. Whether He will use my unique gifts or stretch me out and form new ones is all up in the air. Money does not matter. Circumstances do not matter. The opinion of others does not matter. Only the leading of the Holy Spirit will direct me and influence my choices. If everything goes according to what I've planned out and it lines up with God's plan, then I will be majoring in Social Work with a minor in Cross-Cultural Studies. 


“My Commitment as a Christian"
Written by a young African pastor and tacked on the wall of his house.

I’m a part of the fellowship of the unashamed.  I have a Holy Spirit power.  The die has been cast.  I have stepped over the line.  The decision has been made.  I’m a disciple of His.  I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.  I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.  I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.  I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.  I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.  I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence or the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.  I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me.  And when He comes for His own, He will have no problems recognizing me—my banner will be clear!